Monday, June 16, 2008

My Today

So, Im sitting at work today, at my new job and I learn that my co-worker is a member of the same church as I am. Its no secret to my family and friends that I am Mormon, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but of course, she doesnt know me and it took her by surprise. I must admit, it took me by surprise that she was a member also. When the words "me to!!" came out of her mouth, I thought, "OH crap!, now im gonna have to be good!" I am a convert and have not really given up all that I should. My language is bad at times, I get very frustrated easily, I have relationships that I know I shouldnt engage in and so on. I know that no one is perfect, but in that moment, I thought, "OH HELL, Im gonna have someone sitting across from me for the length of my career, judging me!" Well, then reality kicked in, and I remembered she admitted to using to much bad language as well, lol! and over the course of the next hour, she let me in on her life and I realized she would not judge me. I think I am always quick to accuse others of judging me when really, I am the one judging them! She is a really cool person and because I have recently chosen to come back to the church, I figured she could help me, be as encourgement. I guess we will see how that goes........

My day was full of moments today. I went to the state capital to get my id badge and its quite obvious I am pregnant, but whoever knew and didnt tell me I was carrying two additional kids on my chest and they were popping out is just wrong! My id badge looked like a porn page in a soft porn magazine. The other poor new people that had to experience my one eyed kids thought it was funny, but me however, was quite surprised! The id lady was quick to inform me that she would crop "them" out, but that picture is gonna be stored on the states computer!! Well, GOD bless Oklahoma and my new one eyed KIDS!!! LOL

Sunday, June 15, 2008

How I Got Here

OK, so many are thinking, she is a single mom of two with a third child on the way.......Where the Heck is the father??? Well, my oldest son, Kaleb, has never seen his father. I never speak ill of him, but Kaleb has asked me several times why his dad isnt in his life. I ask him what he thinks and he says his father must really hate him so he hates his father. I explain that people cant really hate someone without knowing whom they are hating, but we definately can hate things that people do. After a series of questions recently, I had to explain to Kaleb that his father left me right after I found out I was pregnant with him. "Why would he do that mom?, didnt he want me?" After a long pause and much inter-turmoil, I had to finally explain to him that his dad didnt want him to be born at all, that he was a selfish man. I went on to explain that when men do this, they are only thinking of themselves and their own lives. I never wanted to explain to Kaleb that his dad gave me an ultimaitum......abortion or bye. But, the truth is the truth and his dad left for the summer of '99 to go backpacking in Europe because I said bye. So, I finished my college education and graduated from the University of Oklahoma! When Kaleb was five, I met Aj's father, in the spring of 2005. We came from two different cultures and two completely different backgrounds and childhoods. We fell deeply in love with each other and things were very good for a while. We began to have our share of problems, but decided we were strong enough to withstand anything. We decided to have a baby and I agreed to marry him. We tried for a year and finally in the 12th month, I was pregnant. Things went downhill from there. We were on-again, off-again all the time, splitting up for much of my pregnancy with Aj. We got back together, Aj was born and our Leyla Grace was concieved.

You see, Aj's father has a problem with leaving other females alone. He seeks them out on the internet, at clubs, on the blocc, or anywhere else the opportunity presents itself. He gives out his cell phone and the text messaging starts. He swears they are only friends, but the truth always comes out. He keeps these girls around for attention, money or whatever else he is lacking at the time. He lies to these women and tells them he and I are over and that I am crazy and worst of all, that he is not for sure if our kids are his!!! It all became to much for me and I was tired of putting up with it. I deserved better! So, I told him that I was done with him and we could be friends as far as raising our kids were concerned but nothing more.

And that is how I got here.

I love my life now. Its hard to be alone after being in a relationship for so long, but I know it is what is best for myself and my family!